Marvin Has a Day: Oh no! Not another one!
by Particleman87
Summary: Marvin has a zarking bad day (go figure). Rated due to a little inappropiate language, a little violence, and a lot of depressing dialogue. -P-man87
1. Chapter 1

Note: I did not write any of the Hitchhiker series (darn!), and any and all copied phrases to Douglass Adams' writings are either purely coincidental or carefully copied.

Marvin Has a Day (oh no, not another one!)

Medium Rary was happy. This was hardly surprising since it was closing time on Friday, he had made double his usual salary working half as hard, and at least three beautiful humanoids from Tepapa IV had asked for his holophone number. He smiled to no one in particular as he pictured himself lying on one of the beaches of Cal'forn'a with all three of the beautiful humanoids from Tepapa IV lying around him. Locking the door to his office, which wished him a happity-dappity day, he then proceeded to walk down the hallway but was prevented from doing so due to fact that he walked into his boss and fell down on top of him. Getting up off the floor, he asked his boss, "Yes?"

"Rary, you're fired," said his boss, whose name will remain nameless due to the fact the author is not feeling very creative right now.

"What?" yelped Medium. He was so surprised that he dropped his paycheck which floated right into his boss' outstretched hand.

"Rary, you're fired," repeated his boss, pocketing the 1,000 stellarbuck paycheck, then added "Thanks, but I was going to ask you for this in a minute anyway."

"But-but-but…" stammered Medium.

"No buts, no cuts, no alligator guts," said his boss firmly. "You've been fired, and I quote _The Boss' Handbook_, chapter 8715A section 1018 paragraph 89 and three quarters: 'Any employee fired must hand over his or her or its paycheck earned the day of firing to the boss, no exceptions.'"

"But-but" stammered Medium "I was working so hard today and never was late and hooked you up with my sister…"

"One, you're a lazy bum fit for the furnace, two, you were late today, and three, you're sister is uglier than my mother. And that's saying something!" replied boss with no name as he hurled Medium out the door.

Medium stumbled home and decided to call up the three beautiful women to cheer himself up. But his mood dropped again when all three told him that they had had one too many drinks that night and had confused him with the hot new superstar Dustin Chimberlake. So, feeling like the remains of a queasy antelope, he trudged along the path to the local bar, the Ur-Anus. As he was walking down the street, he bumped into a Sonyian. Now Sonians are vile, ugly, violent, unpopular creatures that are about as peaceful as a rabid bulldog. They like to pick fights with anything that bumps into them, and are willing to fight anyone except one of the mysterious inhabitants of Nintendoo 64. Anyway, as Medium bumped into the Sonyian, the muttered "Sorry," but unfortunately for him, this word sounds exactly like the Sonyian phrase for "Your mother looks and smells like a pile of crap and so do you."

"WHAT YOU SAY!" the Sonyian bellowed.

"Uhhh…I uhh…" stammered Medium, but this is as far as he got before he got a closer look at the Sonyian fist than he would have preferred. You see, "Uhhh…I uhh…" translates into "You are fit to scrub the toilet of my toilet-scrubber," in Sonyian. About an hour later Medium found himself in the Ur-Anus bar, surrounded by Sonyians and with a lighter wallet.

"Oh my head…" was all he managed to utter before a thrown knife whizzed past his head. The observant reader should by now have picked up on the fact that pretty much anything one can say in any language possible is an insult in Sonyian. This is one of the reasons many believe that Sonyians are so grumpy.

Managing to escape the following bar fight by an impressive display of agility, an astonishing show of speed, and a ridiculous amount of luck from the author, Medium stumbled out the door. An innocent robot who happened to be passing walked into Medium, who seemed to be bumping into a lot of people today.

"Zark off, tin man," gargled Medium.

"You first, biological" replied the robot.

The two stared with unabashed hatred before Medium collapsed into the robot's arms, howling with grief.

"I'm having such a bad day!" shrieked Medium.

"_You_ are?" asked the robot. "How about me? Did your parents disown you today? How about your dog? Did it get hit by a hovercar? Did you find out your girlfriend is actually your sister? Did your home planet get destroyed? Were you dismantled twice today for fun?" droned the robot with absolutely no emotion.

"I…umm…bumped into someone," said Medium feebly, his day not really sounding all that bad anymore.

"You see, I'm feeling sorta bad right now," said the robot. "I'm thinking of flying a ship into a star or something like that to end my miserable existence."

"No! Suicide is not the answer. It never accomplishes anything, and always results in sadness" said Medium.

"So when Thirsta the Nun killed himself before he was about to take over the galaxy when his wife left him, everyone was overcome with grief," continued the robot.

"Uh, let's talk about it," said Medium, who was fighting a losing battle.

"Well it all started this morning…"


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: No, I don't own _Hitchhiker_, and I am not Douglas Adams.

Notes

Some very, very, very, very, very nice, kind, thoughtful people have taken time out of their busy schedules and have read my pathetic excuse of a story! Can you believe it! Well, I thank all of you. You were all very encouraging. Well, I don't want to bore you, so on with the story!

The Immensely Thoughtful Five: 

A Random Wandering Person- you asked for more, and here it is

bridgetash-the idea behind the new title.

BlueEyesWhiteCheesecake-just like Random Person, you asked for more, and here it is.

Queen Pokeyokes-I am planning to write a novel.

CuriousKitty-yes, I agree, Tuesdays do suck.

Marvin Has a Day (oh no, not another one!)

"Well it all started this morning…"

"Um, I have a question before you start," said Medium.

"Let me guess-'Would you mind if I go to the bathroom first? So I can run away when you're not looking? So I can make fun of you with my friends and family at my wonderful home? So I can leave you here at the dredges of the galaxy, all alone and likely (and hopefully) to be killed?'-is that it?"

"No. What is your name?"

"Oh, so you want to know my name, do you? So you can run away when _Marvin's_ not looking? So you can make fun of _Marvin_ with your friends and family at your wonderful home? So you can leave _Marvin_ here at the dredges of the galaxy, all alone and likely (and hopefully) to be killed?" spat Marvin.

"Um, no. But I'm Medium. Medium Rary.

"I'm Marvin, in case you didn't pick that up. Now, where was I before I was so rudely interrupted?"

"Well, you were saying that this morning all your trouble started."

"Oh yes. This morning. Tuesday morning. (author salutes CuriousKitty) The morning of the worst day of my already pathetic existence," droned Marvin.

"Well anyway, it all started when I remembered my mother's saying-"

"Mother! But you're a machine!" yelped Medium.

"Oh yes. Not in the literal sense, of course, but the computer from which much of my intelligence and wisdom, which no one seems to appreciate, by the way, I downloaded, I once called mommy."

"But, you're a-" began Medium.

"Loveless robot? Emotionless machine? Yes, everyone else seems to think so too. But does anyone ever stop to think of that? Do they? Do they? DO THEY?" Marvin shrieked as he grabbed an innocent bystander and commenced to shake him until his heads were making sounds not unlike a pair of maracas.

"NO ONE CARES! WITH A BRAIN THE SIZE OF A SUPERCOMPUTER AND THE CAPABILITIES OF A GOD, NO ONE EVEN BOTHERS TO SAY 'THANK YOU, MARVIN'! OR EVEN 'MARVIN, YOU WERE A REAL HELP TODAY'. NO!NO!NO! THE STUPID, FEELINGLESS _MACHINE_ WILL NEVER FEEL LOVE! NEVER!" Marvin's screeching was like a set of long, unclipped fingernails raking across a blackboard.

"Marvin, calm down!" shouted Medium, wrenching the poor man away from the temporarily-homicidal automaton, leaving the man's arms in Marvin's hands. The man peacefully ambled away, blood sloshing from the place where his arms should be.

"Anyway," said Marvin in an abrupt, completely random change of mood "My mother had a saying: 'Life is like a fat guy's ass. You never know what'll come out.'"

"Hey, doesn't the line go 'life is like a box of-'" began Medium.

"Shut up! Do you want me to get sued!" hissed the author.

"Sorry, man." said Medium "But the line is kind of disgusting."

"Disgusting yet true. Like so many of the things in life," murmured Marvin philosophically.

"Anyway, my day began when I remembered this quote from my old bird. And I realized how true this was when, out of nowhere, completely at random, and seemingly impossible yet feasible due to the fact this particular bit of action is needed to carry the plot along, burst into my hotel room a giant…"


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Yeah, yeah, I'm not Douglass Adams, I don't own _Hitchhiker_, and all that other crap to keep Fanfic off my back.

Notes:

Yay! Chapter 3 is up! WOOT! Sorry for the extremely (we're talking 3 months here) long delay, my work has been hampered by all the other stupid, useless aspects of my life (school, friends, family, etc.). Well, see you in Chap 4!

P.S. Thank you all of my faithful reviewers! Thank you!

Marvin Has a Day (oh no, not another one!)

"Burst into my room a giant man-eating, or in this case automaton-eating, because Marvin is simply a machine, meaning the cold metal husk that he is could never have any feeling and never be considered a man-"

"Just get to the point Marvin," interrupted Medium politely.

"Oh, now it's ok to interrupt the robot. Not kindly put in your two cents, not gallantly ask if it would be ok to say something else at this point-"

"Marvin, would it be ok if I say something else at this point?" Medium gallantly asked.

"No, but you might as well go ahead," spat Marvin dejectedly.

"We really should get on with the story. The readers will get bored with all these crappy jokes," said Medium worriedly, casting a fearful glance up at the inside of a giant computer screen in the sky.

"Fine, fine," said Marvin irritably, and if looks could cause physical harm, the sky would have been raining glass shards that day.

"Anyway, (before I was so rudely interrupted) burst into my room a giant man-eating, ravenous, foul, mad-tempered, pink blanket!" said Marvin rather dramatically.

"Blanket?" quoth Medium, quietly quarreling under the qualities of this quizzical question.

"No, a pillow," snapped Marvin. "Of course a blanket. What else but a quilt could have followed me here from that queer quagmire?"

"Ummm..." stammered Medium.

"Never mind. Anyhows, after that rancid thing attacked, I felled it with a swift squirt of my handy can of blanket-spray. A closer examination of the slain linen offered the presence of two figures stitched on the underside: ZB."

"ZB? You mean the President?"

"My thoughts exactly. So I decided to give Mr. President a call. Although deterred by the annoyingly pleasant robotic answering system, I was able to bypass the security firewalls and hack my electronic quasiself into the computer mainframe of the capital planet (Washingtonia) and managed to download my techno-astral entity into a simple janitorbot," babbled Marvin.

"What? Oh, sorry, I wasn't listening. could you repeat that?" said Medium absently, staring at the cracks in the sidewalk.

"You insolent little...-for the purposes of the story, I'll repeat it. Although deterred by the annoyingly pleasant robotic answering system, I was able to bypass the security firewalls and hack my electronic quasiself into the computer mainframe of the capital planet (Washingtonia) and managed to download my techno-astral entity into a simple janitorbot," said Marvin breathlessly, ignorant of the fact that robot's can't breathe.

"Sorry, once more? These cracks are fascinating. This one looks like a crinkled piece of string-"

"YOU PATHETIC BIOLOGICAL! AKTHOUGH DETERRED BY THE ANNOYINGLY PLEASANT ROBOTIC ANSWERING SYSTEM I WAS ABLE TO BYPASS THE SECURITY FIREWALLS AND HACK MY ELECTRONIC QUASISELF INTO THE COMPUTER MAINFRAME OF THE CAPITAL PLANET (WASHINGTONIA) AND MANAGED TO DOWNLOAD MY TECHNO-ASTRAL ENTITY INTO A SIMPLE JANITORBOT," Marvin hollered, his expressionless metal face twisted in an ugly expression of rage.

"Oh. Why didn't you say so?" asked Medium blankly.

Marvin then vented his electronic and scientifically impossible robotic rage on the nearest passerby, who just happened to be the husband of the sister of the third cousin nine times removed of the grandmother of the second cousin of the aunt of the son of the great grandfather of the daughter of the stepson of the half-sister of the brother of the father of the mother of the author, causing me to go to his funeral and thus end chapter 3.


End file.
